A few weeks ago, Jay Shetty sent me an advance copy of his new book that just went on sale, “8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, and Let it Go” (get it on Amazon here). Since then, I haven’t put it down. It’s full of insightful, wise advice on how to get into and maintain healthy relationships.
As someone who frequently tries to find meaning and lessons in all things, I love the way Shetty uses his personal experience and teachings from ancient Eastern philosophy, different cultures and even science to make the principles he talks about in the book accessible and relevant to modern life.
I know at just 19-years-old I still have a lot of living and loving to do, but at the same time, I feel like what I’ve already lived through and learned – privately and publicly – gives me a unique perspective. I read the book not knowing what to expect, and along the way, totally fell in love. Shetty feels like the wise older brother who brings his knowledge from the Vedas, advice from therapists, and his personal experiences together to impart kind, thoughtful wisdom, free from judgment. Some of his words hit deep, like they were meant for those of us who bare some scars, but in a gentle way that reminded me that the experiences I’ve gone through are not a reflection of my worth or value as a person and that in the end, all of those uncomfortable and hard feelings I prevailed over actually “connects [me] more deeply to all of humanity” (page 241).
I love the book’s focus on the importance of self-reflection and personal growth; that in order to have healthy relationships with others, we must first work on ourselves and understand our own patterns and tendencies. To me, this is particularly relevant for those of us who are young and maybe feel inexperienced when it comes to relationships. I’m still figuring out who I am and what I want out of my relationships–what makes me feel most loved and cared for, what makes me feel nervous or uncomfortable, what I need in my friendships and partnership to feel safe and understood. This aspect of the book made me feel so validated for taking time alone last spring to reevaluate my needs and desires. Shetty’s focus on knowing ourselves and spending time with ourselves as the building blocks of good relationships really resonated with me and speaks to my current relationship so directly.
The eight rules of love are simple but powerful and divided into four parts – Solitude, Compatibility, Healing and Connection. Since I started reading I’ve found myself not only nodding along in agreement with each chapter, but also reading a lot of the pages out loud to my boyfriend. It’s packed full of anecdotes and exercises, science facts, and quotes from therapists and life coaches. I especially love the interactive “Try This” suggestions to do either alone or with a partner and they’ve already been helpful to us in so many ways, like helping us identify and support each other’s goals (page 112) and for me, learning how to trust again (page 97).
This definitely isn’t a book you read in one weekend, it’s the kind of book that you use as a tool at different life stages, that you journal about, and that you share with your friends. As many of you know, my parents are my relationship goals. One of my favorite stories of theirs is the week-long road trip they took up the coast of California together 26 years ago. During the drive, they used guided questions published in a woman’s magazine to really get to know each other and that they say connected them on a deeper level. This book would be a great tool for a road trip like that, to connect you and your partner in a fun and approachable way!
Shetty’s book zeroes in on what it takes to make a relationship work, whether it’s with yourself or another. He uses his own marriage as an example, and shares that he and his wife Rahvi spend a lot of time talking things through and learning together what each needs. While I’m surrounded by a lot of love and a lot of people in very healthy relationships, this book is a powerful reminder for anyone in a relationship (or seeking a relationship) that relationships don’t just “happen” without work. Getting to know others, feeling vulnerable with them, opening thoughtful communication, and healing old wounds together takes trust, time, and talking. Healthy relationships don’t happen, they’re made. Even the most romantic, poetic, star-aligning love stories lead to relationships that require real, intentional work. If you don’t know where to start, Shetty’s book is the place.
I highly recommend “The 8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, and Let it Go” to anyone looking for guidance on getting to know yourself better or getting to know your partner better at any stage in your pursuit of love – or both! Whether you’re 19 or 90, the principles outlined in the book are timeless. To me, it’s a valuable resource that I will come back to again and again throughout different stages of my life, like a guided journal. If you read it too, let me know what you think! <3
